Changing.

[StrawberrySun]

A male friend of mine is thinking of breaking up with his girlfriend because she wants him to change. They love each other, but they've had a fair amount of friction throughout the duration of their relationship.

There are parts of his personality that she just doesn't like. These aren't personality traits that appeared overnight, these are traits that were there from the time they met. Whenever they have a fight, she brings up one of his traits that she dislikes and uses that as the reason for why she's nagging him. "This argument wouldn't have gone on for so long if you weren't so damn argumentative." "I wouldn't have to nag you like this if you weren't so... *insert adjective here*" "Oh my goodness, won't you EVER stop being so *insert adjective here*"

His argument is this: "You came and found me like this. Clearly if you decided to date me and keep me around, you can live with it. Why should I try to alter my entire personality for you?"

He doesn't believe in change outright for the sake of others, and he has never asked her to change anything about herself for him. (Or at least, this is what he's told me.) He doesn't like everything about her, but he loves her and wants to be with her, so he's accepted her as she is.

He says, "If you really want to be with someone, you learn to love them as they are. Work out any issues you have with them, because you can't use their personality that you knew in advance against them. If you can't accept them or you're not willing to put in the work and stop using them as an excuse then just step off."

Now what do you guys think? How much of your 'personality' are you willing to change for the person that you love?

[Narkissos]

Originally Posted by StrawberrySun81

Whenever they have a fight, she brings up one of his traits that she dislikes and uses that as the reason for why she's nagging him. "This argument wouldn't have gone on for so long if you weren't so damn argumentative." "I wouldn't have to nag you like this if you weren't so... *insert adjective here*" "Oh my goodness, won't you EVER stop being so *insert adjective here*"

Well this is ironic.

[StrawberrySun]

Now I've actually heard them argue, and much like how the arguments go in almost every other relationship on earth, it goes both ways. So while he may not tell her "Ok, you want me to change this, well I want you to change that," he certainly throws a helluvalot back in her face when the argument arises. The way I see it, if he was so 'fine with it' then he wouldn't do that. But I'm an outsider... so....

Also... I'm not sure if it matters... but they've been together for about 2 years now and have known each other for about 6 years in total.

I have my own opinions on the matter... but Imma wait and see what comes out of the discussion first. :)

[Sol]

I learn early on not to use those arguments

Noone ever "nevers" or "alwayss"

[StrawberrySun]

So Sol... would you 'change'?

[Sol]

I have no problem changing my superficial behaviors. If i dont wash up my breakfast plate immediately etc and she wants me to, or i leave my cupboard doors open and she wants me to close them etc

If she wants to force me to change my eating habits, spiritual leanings, education, relaxation etc, it has to be for the better to make me lean towards it. But i still have to do it in my own time.

I wont say im perfect with my life's goals, but im very proactive with my legacy plans, so i have never really gotten any flak there.

The major thing my gfs didnt like was my drinking. I had to cut that back on my own though. But i dont really do it now so everyone is happy.

[Johan]

I would only change if I can see a reason for it.

[StrawberrySun]

Isn't "love" a good enough reason?

[Sol]

I agree with love, but i also love myself, and if im gonna resent you for my change, its best we part ways

[Johan]

Originally Posted by StrawberrySun81

Isn't "love" a good enough reason?

Nope, there has to be a logic to it and I have to see how I would become better from the change.