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Narkissos Narkissos is offline
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Angry "6 things you can do to make workouts fucking work for you!" by Corey Springer
by Narkissos 07-15-2009, 04:20 PM

Stop fucking around: 6 things you can do to make workouts fucking work for you!

img src: renewedfitness.org

By Corey Springer
AKA "Narkissos"
Owner of: Apollo Fitness Barbados & "The NarkSide" Fitness Forums.

Written: Wednesday July 15 2009 for Kurama Magazine

Yep another rant. I'm coming to your mid-stride on the treadmill. You see, I recently incurred a slipped disc just over a week ago... the second in 3 months.

As part of my rehab my chiropractor prescribed one hour of cardio per day.

That's right...no fucking bedrest... No laying on my back bitching. One hour of gatdamned cardio per day.

On top of that I'm supposed to do prescribed mobilization exercises and stretches thrice per day. My doc added self-myofascial release (SMR) on top of all of that.

No bullshit excuses. No laying down on my ass ringing a bell so my maidservant could come wipe my ass.

Nope... None of that.

My Chiro made me accountable.

She cleared me to return to weight-training two days ago... so now we're tossing an elite workout on top of the rehab.

Counter-intuitive much?

While plodding away here, sweat blinding me, my mood's turned quite bitter.

Why you ask?

Well while I plod away here in pain, a bunch of excuses I've heard from 100% healthy clients all came flooding back.


"[Insert exercise] doesn't work for me."

"I don't 'feel' [insert exercise]".

"I can't"... blah, blah, blah!


Enough already!

What.

*Can*.

You.

Do?!

That is my question to you.

In a sea of "can't"s... What *can* you do?


I've been called antagonistic before.

No skin off MY back.


So... humor me.

What. *Can*. You. Do?

*pregnant pause*
*Client refuses to make eye contact*
*silence ensues*



Ok.. Let not turn this into a guilt trip. Let's proceed under the assumption that ALL your excuses are BULLSHIT.

Proceeding under this assumption... let's try to make your workouts work!



Pet Peeve #1: "the treadmill does nothing for me!"

Yea.. of course it won't "do shit" if you set it to warp speed and then proceed to grab on to the bars while your feet chip along uselessly.

*pauses so the imagery can sink in*



I see this bullshit approach in ALL gyms. Just like lifting heavy things, people like to brag about their max. In this case, they talk smack about how fast the can go.

They turn the most natural form of exercise into a farce.


So... How can you make it productive?

Try ACTUALLY FUCKING WALKING!



Let go of the gatdamned handrest, up the incline, lower the speed to one where holding on isn't required... and ACTUALLY WALK!

Foreign concept... I know.

"How unconventional Nark."

Fuck it.

Holding on for dear life negates torso twisting, torso stabilization, arm pumping, and scapulae retraction (etc.)... thus reducing muscle recruitment.

Reduced muscle recruitment equates to reduced calorie expenditure, and reduced substrate utilization.

Need I say: /Fail?




Pet Peeve #2: "The gym is boring!"

And being fat is exciting?

I KNEW I was missing something all these years!

/end sarcasm.



Who needs a gatdamned gym?

Seriously?


Work out at home.

For less than $100 you can set up a calisthenic Utopia: 1 swiss fitness ball, 3 resistance bands; 1 floor mat; and a couple pairs of dumbbells.

That's all you need.


Not a home-body? Then take it outdoors!

Make the world your gym.

Parks are your friend gatdammit!


You.

Have.

No.

Excuse.



Pet Peeve #3: "Cardio is boring man!"

img src: 911bodyrescue.com


...but apparently so is work and school. Yet still you go there 8 hours per day, 5-6 days per week.

What's 30 minutes of cardio by comparison?

Why does cardio need to be boring anyway?

When I think about cardio, I think about it in the same manner as I think about sex... and any other thing that I consider essential to my way of life.

Would you do sex the same way, day in and day out?

If you answer 'yes' to this question... then this is the wrong article for you.

Kindly scroll up to the upper right of this window...and click the 'X' that you find there.

*pauses*


Back to the topic at hand: I'm sure you don't do sex the same way every time... You like to keep it interesting and fulfilling.

I'd suggest that you approach cardio in the same way.

...but, keep your clothes on please. LOL

  • Take up a new sport.
  • Walk outdoors.
  • Utilize trailruns.
  • Push your car for a couple lengths of the car park of the gym.
  • Flip tires.
  • Take a sledgehammer to a large tire...and smash the fucking hell out of it.
  • Jump rope.
  • Wrestle with your kids or significant other.
Hell, the options are endless!!!


Pet Peeve #4: "I don't have the time!!"

When I hear this one, I usually immediately start to stare at the ceiling... waiting for an archangel to smite me for having unkind thoughts.

It never happens fortunately.

Anyway... I'd put this question to you: How much television do you watch?


Heck... I've got a couple more questions:

How much time, outside of work/school, do you spend in front the PC?

How many nights do you hit the bar with your mates?

How many times per week do you go to the movies?

Do you have time for video games and/or computer games?


img src: facebook.com (irony of ironies)

If any of these options consume more than 15 minutes daily... then you have MORE THAN ENOUGH TIME TO EXERCISE.

It doesn't take 90 minutes per day... 30 minutes will do.

Find me 30 minutes, and I'll find your inner slim person.



Pet Peeve #5: "I don't have a fucking clue what I'm doing!"


An FYI: You're in good company... as most people who join gyms have no fucking clue what they're doing.

Heck, most of the people who've been going to the gym for years still have no clue.

I've come and found people doing the same shit day in and day out for 2+ years... who look the same way 2 years later.

Sometimes they aren't to blame entirely.

Most of the time however, they are.

Some people stick with personal trainers who do nothing for 'em... Why? Because they're comfortable with 'em.

Some people have personal trainers who train 'em really well... but have no clue when it comes to dieting. So these people lose no fat.

Some people come to the gym simply to socialize.

The good thing is, you don't *have* to be one of these people.

You have a hand in whether you fail or succeed.

My advice to you would be that you decide why you're there from the minute you first join.

Pick a personal trainer who has a track record of getting people in shape... Personality be damned.

You want results, not a fucking cuddle-buddy.


Pet Peeve #6: "This shit fucking hurts!"

Get over it.

/end


This has been a NarkSide rant.

Regards,

-Corey Springer
AKA "Narkissos"
Owner of: Apollo Fitness Barbados & "The NarkSide" Fitness Forums
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  #21  
Old 08-30-2010
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Wow. I am sharing this on fb pronto!
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Old 02-22-2011
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bump!

Make that workout WORK for ya!
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Old 10-15-2011
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bump

*for myself, who wants to go boxing class but iss loving this warm bed*
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Old 10-15-2011
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^^
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