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Old 03-09-2010
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Default 5 Ways To Return Anything To Any Store.

Got this offa one of my favourite blogs: http://tremendousnews.com


This weekend, a friend of mine told me a harrowing story.
It was about her, some chick-clothes, and this store, Lulemom.
Luleman?
Something with a lemon.
She went there to return merchandise that fell apart in the washer and the lady at the store told her to go screw herself.
Politely.
Iíve had some experience in returning items to stores. Mostly because I carry with me a strong undercurrent of potent doucheyness.
I want them to say no.
Then, at that point, the battle begins.
I become a fat William Wallace of Braveheart and wage war against the Customer Service Department. Theyíve oppressed my people for far too long.
My people.
The people of Poorville.
Here are 5 strategic tactics I employ to return almost anything.


1. Stalk The Counter.
Before I approach the customer service desk, I observe the behavioral patterns of the individuals fielding returns.
Look! That dudeís eating a banana. Bananas are rich in potassium. Heís clearly a potassium fiend. Constantly craving it. Needing it like a crack addict needing a fix in a pee-stained alley in the South Bronx.
Instantly, Iíve exposed his weakness.
More stalking.
Look! That chick has boobs. Big boobs, too. Intriguing.
Thatís a tidbit of information Iíll store in my mind.
I like boobs. She has boobs. Iíve pieced together a vital connection.
Boobs and bananas.
Itís where you start.


2. Be Almost Offensively Polite.
When you first engage your target, you need to be polite. Hide the anger that stirs inside you. Craft a facade of niceness.
Hi Ted! How are you on this fine morní?
Good thanks. How can I help you.
Well if you asked me a minute ago, Iíd say you could help me by giving me a piece of that banana you just had! Ha! Gee whiz, Ted! I always feel like I donít have enough potassium. Ever feel that way?
Okay.
So how do you like working next to someone with boobs? Great, huh?
What?
Boobs and bananas, Teddy-boy. Boobs and bananas.

3. Know Exactly What You Want.
Many people try to return something without knowing exactly what they want. Do this, and you enter with weakness.
Think ahead.
Do you want a refund? An exchange? Do you want the individual to empathize with you?
I want the individual at the counter to completely shatter.
I want her to feel what I felt when I took that shirt home and tried it on.
Like a Boeing 747 squeezing into a halter top.
The devastation I felt when I looked in the mirror and saw my hairy belly pour out like Kaieteur falls.
My moobs jutting out like summer melons.
I want her to look at me, with tears in her eyes and say I feel your hurt. I feel your hurt. This refund Iím giving you cannot possibly cover the pain in your heart. Do me right now. My super hot boobs are yours.
Tweak it to fit your individual needs.


4. Donít Pull The Manager Card Too Quickly.
This is where most people fail.
If they donít get a refund, they ask to see the manager.
Thatís exactly the opposite of what you should do.
See, banana-eating shitheads like Ted are empowered to do more than they let on. But they donít exercise the power unless they feel compelled to.
Tedís manager, on the other hand, deals with yappy customers so much, heís jaded.
The key is to seduce shithead Ted into believing youíre a cause. Stick with Ted. Coax him. Work him.
Make him feel like heís making the decision.
Even though heís not.


5. Charm.
The key to returning anything.
People think they need to get angry to get results. Wrong.
Completely wrong.
What you need to do is delve deep into the boobs and bananas of the situation.
Imagine youíre Ted.
What is he thinking?
I deal with hundreds of angry yentas a day. Their cacamayme reasons why theyíre retuning things.
This is my life?
This?
Returning fucking juicers?
The only tiny light in the darkness that cloaks my life are my bananas.
My bananas will never leave me.
Strike at the heart of this.
ďI totally understand your return policy, Ted. You probably deal with this type of stuff every day. I canít imagine how annoying this is for you.Ē
Then tap your nose twice.
Slide an envelope over.
ďI think youíll find the contents of this envelope rich in Öahem. Potassium.Ē
Then you wait.
Sir, whatís leaking out of your envelope?
With that creepy smile, wait.
It smells like bananas.
Stare at that fat face of his.
Sir, is this envelope filled with mashed-up bananas? Youíre a sick fuck.
Heíll break.
Ė
There you have it. Armed with these tips, you can return anything to anywhere.
Now I better return to my full-time job.
Being the mayor of Poorville.
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Old 03-09-2010
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LOL, that was pretty good
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Old 03-09-2010
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I don't get it.
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Old 03-09-2010
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^^ LOL. Thats not what Tommy said.
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Old 03-09-2010
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Thanks Strawberry I returned my subway sandwich and got a new one thanks to this.

I told them it wasn't what I envisioned a subway sandwich to be. I would understand that I its possible they cannot appease my wishes but also let them know that I would be compelled to never eat at subway again.
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^^ LOL!
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Blasphemy!!

I tried returning Booz, didn't work!
I offered to pay them triple and they called the police!

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^^ He's yours forever
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